What is hope? The me back then would definitely say it's a ridicolous blind faith to some intangible thing that barely made any sense to me. Like how an atheist doesn't believe in god, well, I say that just because I am one heck of an atheist even now. But if you ask me what hope is? I would say it's... really beautiful. And so this will be the content of this webpage. A place for me to remember the hope I felt.
Hope is.. Beautiful
It allowed me to see the beauty of the moment, and what could be. I grew up being too harsh to myself, blinded of the wings that I have. Blinded of the fact that I can reach greater heights, if only I had hoped for it. Suffering, despair, self-loathing; those things are what blinded me of what I could have achieved. I grounded myself too deeply, rejecting every notion of hope as if it were a weakness. Spending every single day of my life constantly criticizing my own self, the me that I should have prioritized. But now, this idea of blind optimism is just something I needed to cling on. I would like to call it faith this time, but it's really the fear of letting go. Letting go of the life I've built so far, I fear that it all might crumble away, so now I hope. I hope that it doesn't end so quickly. These past few months, I've encountered a lot of people who also clings for hope, but their reasons are different from mine. If mine roots from the depths of the abyss, their's are ropes from the heaven. Showing their incredible persistence and optimism of life, it fills me with envy and yet, with longing. I want that kind of hope. A beautiful hope that whispers everything will be alright. That even in days where i want to give up, I want to reach to something- someone and lift myself from the chaos I am drowning in. To be a better person for these people who showed me kindness. I cannot begin to fathom how much grateful I am for these kindred souls, they who's full of hope, shone brighter than the moon light in the darkest nights.
What I've gathered so far:
Monica Everett, the main Protagonist of the series Secrets of the Silent Witch. An anxious person, scared of people that she would end up spouting the fiboncci sequence if a group of people starts grouping up on her, at first glance one would see her as hopeless. After all she's nothing good at everything else except math and magecraft, the two things she dedicated her life to. She would constantly apologize for causing a slight inconvenience to people around her, thinking of herself as nothing good just as how those people think of her. although her living experience are so much different than mine, I find myself relating to her in various ways; This song called feel by Hitsujibungaku, tells ironically, how Monica feels. how, despite her hesitation, despite moments when she considers giving up, and despite how deeply she looks down on herself, she still chooses to hope. That hope exists because of the people who have been kind to her, those who chose to see her for who she truly is. Monica, despite everything, clings to the hope others have shown her. Because of that, she wants to repay them with kindness. She wants to become better... for them. In the same way, I hope to become a better version of myself. to show them my gratitude, my appreciation, to be a person that they can be proud of. It sounds childish but... I don't know any other way to repay them. They have helped me even in the minuscule ways to understand what I can do to be better.